my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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