Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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