...so i touched it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Everclear isn't food dammit
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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