Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
