I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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