I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
