Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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