he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
