Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
