Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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