Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
BRING THE BAGELS
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
