I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
