if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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