I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
