Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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