There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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