We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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