It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
