I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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