HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
