he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize