dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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