life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
