Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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