I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
