Too much gin, very little bucket
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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