i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This is my gift to your gina
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
