it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
