Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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