i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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