Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
