Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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