This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
