My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we're chasing vodka with high fives
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
