I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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