I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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