I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
