You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
pray to the hookup gods
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
