Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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