Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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