someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
