Where are you?
In a non slutty way
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
