I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
