Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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