All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize