did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
