so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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