I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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