His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize