I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
