would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize