Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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