I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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