We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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