dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
