were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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