I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
