seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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