dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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