Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
