i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
