I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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